Grace Pours Down...~by Laurie Jackson

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Grace Pours Down… ~by Laurie Jackson

We all have regrets about hurting others and this is what this blog is about. Hurt people hurt people but healed people can bring healing to others.  I went running today and I usually have a great run but once in awhile a nasty, perverted truck driver will honk his obnoxiously loud horn as they pass by me.  The insufferable sound of their horn sends a trigger of fear down my spine so much so that I decide that flipping them off as I look back with disdain about the pervert that I believe them to be, can falsely satisfy my wounded soul. 

I woke up today choosing to feast from Gods table of grace and strength.  I actually had a beautiful time with Him and he spoke to me as the gracious, loving father that He is.  Then I put my worship music on and went out running together with the gracious Lord Jesus that abides with us all through his Holy Spirit.  I was truly in communion with him and having a day of rejoicing in his saving grace. 

I’ve been reading some old books by Brennan Manning that talk about our true selves and our false selves.  He describes the true self as the child and the false self as the imposter. I also get much wisdom from when our 13-year-old son quotes Yoda. “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate and hate leads us to the dark side. ~ Yoda”

To make a long story short and get my confession out there with the hope of revealing the abundant grace that God extends to me even in my woundedness, I will begin with the obnoxious horn sound that startled me from my head to my toes at about mile 4.5 this morning.  This in sighted enough anger in me to turn back and go to the window of the driver and attempt to shame them and give the what for!  I turned around after the horrendous sound of the horn caused it’s infamous trigger and looked at the driver with “her” window down and while frowning I said something like… why do you guys do that?!!!!!!  It is so disturbing!!!… Gosh!!! Could you not do that and then pointing dramatically to my heart as if her horn could’ve killed me right then and there on the street.  I was transformed immediately as I saw the kindess in her eyes and felt so repentive of the thought that I had judged her and was now in the height of trying to shame her right there in the street.  She didn’t deserve this!  The realization hit me instantly that her intention was NOT to startle me or bring me harm, but rather to just celebrate with her coveted horn sound, that I was out there running in the pouring down rain.  I felt ashamed of myself.  Shaming others ultimately comes from the shame we feel in ourselves.  She was just like me and in need of grace, love and joy for the day.  I wanted to run back to her and apologize for shaming her and misunderstanding her pure intentions.  I prayed that I would see her again and have an opportunity to apologize and explain that I am a wounded soul with a fear trigger from numerous issues that God has been faithfully healing me of year by year and even continues to do this day. 

I continued to think about her and all the other truck drivers.  I prayed blessings on her and that maybe a fellow grace follower would extend love and blessing to her that I wished I had given.   I then realized that I have been running this same route for years and since we live close to some truckers they probably feel like they know me personally.  I just began to cry about flipping off innocent people that are just like me as they walk around wounded and in need of Gods grace, love and mercy.  I came to a revelation that most of these truck drivers are not perverted and are all probably honking for the same reason this lady honked, to celebrate my run with me.  Even if some were perverted and honking for “that” reason, ultimately they are just like me, a wounded soldier in need of Gods grace and love. 

I mostly wanted to write this to air out my soul but also I know I learn about Gods love and grace mostly from hearing stories that are genuinely from my fellow brothers and sisters hearts.  I love honest and child-like people.  I want to remain here and forfeit the pompous ass defense mechanisms that tend to be triggered by obnoxious horn sounds.  If I have PTSD then God will continue to heal me.  He ended up consoling my heart and challenged me to continue to walk in his grace for the day.  God reminded me that I was a wounded child and my response comes from a deep reservoir of fear that still tries to protect itself from pain with faulty defense mechanisms that flip people off and or try to shame them. 

God told me to keep running and maybe the next time I am startled by the horn sound, what will spill out of my heart would be a pure non-judgmental attitude of love and grace for each and every precious truck driver.  I am earnestly sorry to all my truck driver friends out there.  Hurt people hurt people but healed people bring healing to people. I will pray about my prejudice attitude toward truck drivers and in fact after seeing my sweet sister this morning, so contrite and shamed by me, I hope I have ditched this prejudice attitude forever!  The journey of being the beloved child never gets old or stale and it is always an adventure! The conversation with our heavenly father is a moment away.  I am so glad that I remained child-like and didn’t attempt to earn my forgiveness but rather continued to face my saviors face as the remorseful child on her gracious fathers lap.  He is always engaging and gracious and leads us to the truth about our selves and about His deep love and grace for us.  His grace keeps pouring down on us all.  Thank you Jesus for your grace.