Grace Pours Down… ~by Laurie
Jackson
We all have
regrets about hurting others and this is what this blog is about. Hurt people
hurt people but healed people can bring healing to others. I went running today and I usually have
a great run but once in awhile a nasty, perverted truck driver will honk his
obnoxiously loud horn as they pass by me.
The insufferable sound of their horn sends a trigger of fear down my
spine so much so that I decide that flipping them off as I look back with
disdain about the pervert that I believe them to be, can falsely satisfy my
wounded soul.
I woke up today
choosing to feast from Gods table of grace and strength. I actually had a beautiful time with
Him and he spoke to me as the gracious, loving father that He is. Then I put my worship music on and went
out running together with the gracious Lord Jesus that abides with us all
through his Holy Spirit. I was
truly in communion with him and having a day of rejoicing in his saving
grace.
I’ve been reading
some old books by Brennan Manning that talk about our true selves and our false
selves. He describes the true self
as the child and the false self as the imposter. I also get much wisdom from
when our 13-year-old son quotes Yoda. “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate
and hate leads us to the dark side. ~ Yoda”
To make a long
story short and get my confession out there with the hope of revealing the
abundant grace that God extends to me even in my woundedness, I will begin with
the obnoxious horn sound that startled me from my head to my toes at about mile
4.5 this morning. This in sighted
enough anger in me to turn back and go to the window of the driver and attempt
to shame them and give the what for!
I turned around after the horrendous sound of the horn caused it’s infamous
trigger and looked at the driver with “her” window down and while frowning I
said something like… why do you guys do that?!!!!!! It is so disturbing!!!… Gosh!!! Could you not do that and
then pointing dramatically to my heart as if her horn could’ve killed me right
then and there on the street. I
was transformed immediately as I saw the kindess in her eyes and felt so
repentive of the thought that I had judged her and was now in the height of
trying to shame her right there in the street. She didn’t deserve this! The realization hit me instantly that her intention was NOT
to startle me or bring me harm, but rather to just celebrate with her coveted
horn sound, that I was out there running in the pouring down rain. I felt ashamed of myself. Shaming others ultimately comes from
the shame we feel in ourselves. She
was just like me and in need of grace, love and joy for the day. I wanted to run back to her and apologize
for shaming her and misunderstanding her pure intentions. I prayed that I would see her again and
have an opportunity to apologize and explain that I am a wounded soul with a
fear trigger from numerous issues that God has been faithfully healing me of
year by year and even continues to do this day.
I continued to
think about her and all the other truck drivers. I prayed blessings on her and that maybe a fellow grace
follower would extend love and blessing to her that I wished I had given. I then realized that I have been
running this same route for years and since we live close to some truckers they
probably feel like they know me personally. I just began to cry about flipping off innocent people that
are just like me as they walk around wounded and in need of Gods grace, love
and mercy. I came to a revelation
that most of these truck drivers are not perverted and are all probably honking
for the same reason this lady honked, to celebrate my run with me. Even if some were perverted and honking
for “that” reason, ultimately they are just like me, a wounded soldier in need
of Gods grace and love.
I mostly wanted to
write this to air out my soul but also I know I learn about Gods love and grace
mostly from hearing stories that are genuinely from my fellow brothers and
sisters hearts. I love honest and
child-like people. I want to remain
here and forfeit the pompous ass defense mechanisms that tend to be triggered
by obnoxious horn sounds. If I
have PTSD then God will continue to heal me. He ended up consoling my heart and challenged me to continue
to walk in his grace for the day. God reminded me that I was a wounded child and my response
comes from a deep reservoir of fear that still tries to protect itself from
pain with faulty defense mechanisms that flip people off and or try to shame
them.
God told me to
keep running and maybe the next time I am startled by the horn sound, what will
spill out of my heart would be a pure non-judgmental attitude of love and grace
for each and every precious truck driver.
I am earnestly sorry to all my truck driver friends out there. Hurt people hurt people but healed
people bring healing to people. I will pray about my prejudice attitude toward
truck drivers and in fact after seeing my sweet sister this morning, so
contrite and shamed by me, I hope I have ditched this prejudice attitude forever! The journey of being the beloved child
never gets old or stale and it is always an adventure! The conversation with
our heavenly father is a moment away.
I am so glad that I remained child-like and didn’t attempt to earn my
forgiveness but rather continued to face my saviors face as the remorseful
child on her gracious fathers lap. He is always engaging and gracious and leads us to the truth
about our selves and about His deep love and grace for us. His grace keeps pouring down on us
all. Thank you Jesus for your
grace.
